Pope Benedict XVI’s Diary: Goes On Twitter, Watches Zoolander Stoned

 Dear Diary,

Christ, what a fucking day! The first thing I wake up to is my personal assistant, Bertoni, telling me that I had to rush breakfast because there was a lot on today. I was like, "bitch, this is my house!" What could be so urgent anyway? It was barely 1pm! To be fair, I've been getting absolutely done up the arse in the media lately for not realising that Pope John Paul II and John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin are in fact different people. It probably didn't help that at his Beatification last month I quipped that by now his Soul had definitely found "a stairway to heaven". I guess now I know why nobody laughed. You would think being down with Led Zeppelin would be a good thing anyway, considering the drilling I've been getting for not being in touch with youth. There's this perception that the senior members of the Catholic Church aren't cool and that we're not "in touch with kids these days". It’s like, don’t worry about us, we're in touch with the kids.



I munched my Coco Pops down like a boss and looked over the research I had planned to do today on a recently discovered scroll that proclaims the reincarnation of Jesus may be among us in the guise of a chocolate-faced American rapper called Snoop Dogg. But there was no time for that, as Bertoni told me that we had a meeting with the cardinals today and that I was already 15 minutes late. I had already downloaded the Doggystyle album for my research! At this point I was thinking this day couldn't get worse! At least I found out that the horse I bet on last night – Beelzebub Billy – placed second, and I won fifty bucks. Suck it, Sportsbet. Winning!



The meeting with the cardinals was such a drag. I was so bored that I taxed Cardinal George Pell's iPhone while he went to take a piss and logged onto his Twitter account, tweeting: "In the joy of the Risen Lord, let us move forward. He will help us, and Mary, His Most Holy Mother, will be on our side. I love cock." I showed it to Cardinal Anthony and he immediately retweeted it. What a bold motherfucker!



At the meeting we discussed homosexuality, child abuse and the millions dying in Africa of AIDS due to our stance on condom use, but after a while we got bored and decided to come back to them at a later date. Besides, we had more important issues at hand – a referendum on whether or not to allow Wonder White to sponsor us and be added to the Lord's Prayer. I was hesitant, but "give us this day our daily Wonder White bread" both sounds good and brings in some extra cash. I heard some moans from the others, complaining that it goes against tradition and it'll be impossible to justify to Catholics. I just smiled and screamed, "Is this the Vati-CAN or the Vati-CAN'T!" The table erupted! People were like "tweet that shit!" or like “nice one homie!” or like “maybe we should think about getting some actual work done” and other shit like that. I think I've finally really found my place and become the funny one in the group.



At the end of the meeting someone suggested that we allow women to join the priesthood to match gender equality that is now common in the wider society. After a solid fifteen minutes of laughter, we realised that the meeting was over, and, I suggested that we retire to my house because I had torrented Zoolander last night. I'll never forget Cardinal Michael's face in tears of laughter after I said, "I can Benedict my own balls!" during the movie. I was being high fived like a motherfucker! The hilarity was compounded by Cardinal George’s realisation of what I had done to his Twitter account. He would've killed me if we weren't so baked at the time. Later on someone said something about the Sistine Chapel, to which I shouted, "More like Fistine Chapel...am I right guys?" which received only light chuckles. Deserved more, I would have thought.



So here I am, Diary, tired as a bitch. I seriously cbf with all the shit I have to deal with. I hope God guides me through, and I know He will, because I swear to Him, if I hear anything more about faggots getting married, condoms or how good Inception is, I'm going to lose my shit. Right now I gtg work on some jokes and bring the ruckus to the fellas tomorrow. 

Fuck it, I’m going to set up my own Twitter account so I can let the world hear about it. These gags are too good to waste!!! 


"Why is the Pope's semen so sweet? Because it’s Papal syrup!" PLZ RETWEET @barackobama @stephenhawking @ladygaga

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