I want to start by saying that I love The Lion King, it's the best shit ever. It has everything, Fate, Good and Evil, bright colours...inter-species homosexual innuendo*. Basically, everything I look for in a kid’s movie.

But one first year politics subject has completely fucked it for me.

When I watched The Lion King again for the first time since starting uni, I was really struck by the failure of any of the characters to point out the established and inherent political failings of a hereditary monarchy. Why should Simba be king just because his dad was? If Mufasa was a gigolo (or gigolion…am I right?), would that mean that Simba absolutely just had to fulfil his destiny of being a gigolo (or gigolion…am I still right?)

Also, without the hereditary monarchy in place, Scar would never have had any claim to the throne. If Mufasa really was a good leader, the people could have voted him in, or perhaps he could have even implemented some sort of constitutional monarchy. I'm sure Rafiki would have made a good prime minister, like Berlusconi but without the hookers and Mafia.

In any case, I'm sure Rafiki would have thought of all this anyway. It's almost like Rafiki hasn’t even read Tom Paine's Common Sense. I find this hard to believe, especially given the baboon's unending wisdom and enviable worldliness, not to mention his impressively red arse.

And so I almost couldn't enjoy it, wondering the whole time what good it really is for the animals of Pride Rock to have enough to eat when in reality they are political prisoners of the apparently unending dynasty of tyrannical lion overlords.

University -1, Childhood - 0.

Another Disney film on my list is The Little Mermaid. I was never into it as a kid, but saw it for the first time as an adult (I use the term adult loosely, as while I was older than 18 when I first watched the film, the only thing “adult” about my reaction towards it was an appreciation for the fact that Ariel is a complete minx). I was horrified. Slightly aroused, but horrified.

Every subject that I have studied at university has devoted at least one week to talking about "gender". Gender is of course university language for a comprehensive study of the history of radical feminism. As such, I was dumbfounded that little girls were being showed this fucking mush that is The Little Mermaid. All this movie is doing is telling young girls that the best thing they can hope for is to marry some cracker-ass prince who is good looking and rich. This will make sure you can have pretty dresses and never have to work. All you have to do is change your whole life and identity for this honkey, including getting rid of your sexy fish bits!

If I’d seen that before university, I would have been like “wow pretty colours” and walked off to take a piss singing “under the sea”. But no, I felt the feminist in me being offended. Fuck that shit! I want my childhood back.

And if you think that these movies are both old and Disney have gotten their shit together, you thought wrong, bitch.

How about this bullshit fucking Up movie that came out recently? I mean, I don’t study physics or any shit like that but if you attached enough balloons to lift the weight of a house, there is no way that the whole house would lift up. Even if the strings were strong enough to hold the house, the roof would rip off the walls, or just fall apart. It's bullshit. No fucking way. Nuh-uh. What am I, an asshole? That shit is dumb.

Seriously, get your shit together, Disney, and make something believable, like Dumbo, and with a positive message, like that one where the train gets up the hill. Then I'll be happy, ‘cos right now, I might be paying to watch your movies, but I am not buying it.

*Timon and Pumba are so gay for each other.