I was sending an innocent text the other day and I noticed an odd suggestion pop up before my eyes. I have a HTC Legend phone (LEGEND!), and I really don't like having a touch screen keypad, particularly a QWERTY one. Because my stubby Italian fingers are not ready for the future world of the touch screen, I have a tendency to just hit the area where the letter is and hope my chubby mistypes are corrected by my clever little telefono. Often this is the case, but alas, often it is not.
So anyway I was starting this text the other day and it happened to begin with the word “hey”. Naturally, in my haste to deliver what was undoubtedly a hilarious message filled to the brim with impressive witticisms, I just mashed the keyboard around those letters to make the word “hey”, obviously with as little thought as dexterity. I don't know the magical combination of letters that I came out with, but I certainly remember the suggestion I was given..."UBERSEXUAL". I don't even know what that is...is it a thing? I thought maybe it could be the next thing that is going to come after “metrosexual”, although I can't imagine what that would be. Probably something to do with hair gel, or bestiality.
But it didn’t stop there. This kept happening to me. One time when I was typing “anyway”, I got “anus”. That's right. I got anus. Lucky it didn’t send, because I was writing to my Greek friend and I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea. Then, when I was trying to talk about a 3D movie, my phone suggested “3some” to me. One time I was even trying to type “Spearmint Rhino” (for some reason), and before I got very far, I was presented with the suggestion of “sperm”. That actually might actually have been a good suggestion, now that I think about it.
But that wasn’t the worst of it. When I was trying to type “really” one time, my phone came out with a suggestion of “redtube”.
It was there that I was forced to draw the line. At “redtube” I decided that it couldn’t be happening. There's no way my phone knows about Redtube. I thought that was my little secret. Well…maybe not little, but definitely a secret.
That was when I realised, maybe this was all in my head. My phone couldn't be suggesting all this stuff. No way. I mean, “UBERSEXUAL”, what the shit?
At first I felt relief - my phone was not, after all, conspiring against the purity of my thoughts. I never actually took a screenshot or anything, and I could never reproduce whatever I had typed to get these bizarre suggestions when I tried afterwards. I never even showed anyone. It couldn’t be real.
But then I thought, wait, what the fuck is going on in my head if I am actually imagining this? I mean, this is some wack shit going on up in this motherfucker!
If this were all in my head, what corner of my brain is coming up with “UBERSEXUAL”? What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I tried to express my disbelief in a text with that ultimate expletive anagram of ambiguity, “WTF”. But obviously, much like my mum’s abortion, things didn't go quite according to plan. Guess what my phone suggested when I wrote “WTF”...
“ERGONOMIC”
I mean, what the ergonomic is going on?!
Seriously. I really should have just been like everyone else and got an iPhone.
So anyway I was starting this text the other day and it happened to begin with the word “hey”. Naturally, in my haste to deliver what was undoubtedly a hilarious message filled to the brim with impressive witticisms, I just mashed the keyboard around those letters to make the word “hey”, obviously with as little thought as dexterity. I don't know the magical combination of letters that I came out with, but I certainly remember the suggestion I was given..."UBERSEXUAL". I don't even know what that is...is it a thing? I thought maybe it could be the next thing that is going to come after “metrosexual”, although I can't imagine what that would be. Probably something to do with hair gel, or bestiality.
But it didn’t stop there. This kept happening to me. One time when I was typing “anyway”, I got “anus”. That's right. I got anus. Lucky it didn’t send, because I was writing to my Greek friend and I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea. Then, when I was trying to talk about a 3D movie, my phone suggested “3some” to me. One time I was even trying to type “Spearmint Rhino” (for some reason), and before I got very far, I was presented with the suggestion of “sperm”. That actually might actually have been a good suggestion, now that I think about it.
But that wasn’t the worst of it. When I was trying to type “really” one time, my phone came out with a suggestion of “redtube”.
It was there that I was forced to draw the line. At “redtube” I decided that it couldn’t be happening. There's no way my phone knows about Redtube. I thought that was my little secret. Well…maybe not little, but definitely a secret.
That was when I realised, maybe this was all in my head. My phone couldn't be suggesting all this stuff. No way. I mean, “UBERSEXUAL”, what the shit?
At first I felt relief - my phone was not, after all, conspiring against the purity of my thoughts. I never actually took a screenshot or anything, and I could never reproduce whatever I had typed to get these bizarre suggestions when I tried afterwards. I never even showed anyone. It couldn’t be real.
But then I thought, wait, what the fuck is going on in my head if I am actually imagining this? I mean, this is some wack shit going on up in this motherfucker!
If this were all in my head, what corner of my brain is coming up with “UBERSEXUAL”? What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I tried to express my disbelief in a text with that ultimate expletive anagram of ambiguity, “WTF”. But obviously, much like my mum’s abortion, things didn't go quite according to plan. Guess what my phone suggested when I wrote “WTF”...
“ERGONOMIC”
I mean, what the ergonomic is going on?!
Seriously. I really should have just been like everyone else and got an iPhone.
